BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

-- Author Unknown

Good evening my name is ____ and I am a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this months meeting of dogaholics anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are ok and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you.

I have some questions to ask, if you answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

- Can you say "bitch" in public without blushing?
- Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
- Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
- Do you spend your vacation and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
- If you go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
- Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
- Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
- Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
- Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
- Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
- Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH and OTCH?
- Is your mail made up of primarily dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
- Do you get up before dawn to go to training classes? Dog shows? Seminars?
- If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
- Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, rollover or squeaky toys?
- When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
- Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
- Do you find non dog people boring?
- Do you subscribe to an internet dog mailing list?????
 

If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
 

My advice to all of you with three or more YES' is to sit back and smile , turn to the person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring!

-- Author Unknown

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps. Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.

-- Author Unknown

WHY BASSETS WON'T USE A COMPUTER

Can't stick his head out of Windows '95.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.

To messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've got mail."

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question! ! !

Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.

TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!").

Walk With An Older Dog

Because you will not be forever,
Hope against time though I may,
Paint your picture in my memory,
Eyes blue with age, muzzle gone gray.

Because you walked with me in Springtime,
Puppy-clumsy, running free.
As you grew, we grew together--
You became a part of me.

Because I shared with you my sorrows,
Not understanding-- simply there.
Often spurring me to laughter--
My friend, you know how much I care.

Because the years have slowed your fleetness,
Though your spirit still is strong.
I promise I will take more time now,
So that you can go along.

Because you do not fear the future,
Living only in the now,
I draw strength from your example--
Yet time keeps slipping by somehow.

Because the day will soon be coming
When I will no longer see
You rise to greet me - but in memory
You will always walk with me.


-Gayl Jokiel-
 

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